


We're All Works-In-Progress, Honey

by sheryl_sems



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Bellamy Blake & Clarke Griffin Friendship, Bellarke, Hurt/Comfort, Lots of cheese and love!, Panic Attacks, Protective Octavia, Protective Raven, depression & anxiety
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-09
Updated: 2017-04-09
Packaged: 2018-10-16 23:36:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,132
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10581828
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sheryl_sems/pseuds/sheryl_sems
Summary: Prompt: "What made you such a cold-hearted bitch?"~"I wasn't always a cold-hearted bitch." She says before opening her eyes and turning to him. He was looking at her before she was looking at him and she finds herself struck, as she is every time, by the intensity of his gaze. She looks away and down at her fidgeting fingers."I used to be different." She says. "Before- everything."





	

**Author's Note:**

> I got a prompt to write about (as the summary says- "What made you such a cold-hearted bitch?")
> 
> And so I wrote a one-shot very much inspired from my everyday events and how mental illnesses can make you feel different/ how experiences can change you and sometimes it's easy to lose yourself in all of it. 
> 
> So I threw in some Bellarke feels into the mix and wrote this! Please send over prompts if you want me to do any for you and hit kudos if you feel like it's worth one :') xx

"What happened that made you such a cold-hearted bitch?" Clarke freezes and notices that the others have done the same. Miller and Bellamy have paused midway through their conversation and Octavia's fingers have tightened around Lincoln's arm. 

 

 

"Excuse me?" Raven finds her tongue first, straightening up from her bent-over position where she had been adjusting her knee brace from. 

 

 

"I said- what happened that made your friend such a cold-hearted bitch?" Dax is staring straight at Clarke, a scowl on his face. 

 

 

"Watch your fucking mouth, Dax." Raven spits, pulling herself to her full height and even though she's shorter than Dax, she seems to be staring _down_ at him. 

 

 

"What?" Dax asks, spreading his arms out in a challenging way. "It's not like nobody else is thinking the same thing. I'm the only one man enough to actually ask."

 

 

"Let's see how man enough you are with a fist between your eyes." Octavia says, surging forward but Clarke catches her arm. 

 

 

"Octavia, no!" She says firmly, pulling her best friend back. "He's not worth it." 

 

 

"I'm surprised your friends don't feel the same way about you." Dax says with a smirk before turning and walking away. Octavia struggles in Clarke's hold and Raven has to push at Octavia's shoulders from in front of her to keep her in place.

 

 

"We'll get him later." Raven says. 

 

 

"No, you won't." Clarke says firmly, finally releasing Octavia once the other girl doesn't seem like she's going to sprint after Dax anymore. "Don't add fuel to his fire."

 

 

"What the fuck is his problem?" Miller asks. "You turned down sharing your high-scoring essay with him, not spray-painted his expensive fucking car." They don't hear Miller swear very often. Raven even looks a bit impressed.

 

 

"He's just pissed he's going to fail another essay." Bellamy says as the six begin walking towards their usual sunny study spot by the soccer field. 

 

 

"And he's kinda right." Clarke says, shrugging. 

 

 

"He's definitely not." Lincoln says softly. 

 

 

"He is though." Clarke says. "I _am_  a bit of a bitch." 

 

 

"Please, Clarke." Raven rolls her eyes. "If _you're_ a bitch, what does that make _me_?" She swings her arm around Clarke's shoulder and pulls her close. 

 

 

"Everyone's a bit of a bitch." Octavia says, dropping her bag down on to the one of the two wooden park tables they've arrived at. Clarke smiles and sits down across Octavia. 

 

 

"Honestly though, Clarke, don't listen to him. He's an inconsiderate _gilipolla_." Raven says, sitting at the second adjoined table. 

 

 

"Don't know what that means but I agree." Miller nods. "Calculus, Reyes?" Raven nods and he drops his books in front of her. Bellamy joins them at their table and Lincoln sits down beside Clarke to work on their Art History assignment and Octavia flips open her laptop to start her Criminology essay. 

 

 

Only five minutes in and Clarke begins to feel the weight on her chest increase. She swallows hard and clenches her hands into fists to prevent them from trembling. Lincoln's pen pauses mid-sentence on his sheet of paper and his eyes dart to her hands, which have dropped her own pen and stay clenched above her notebook.

 

 

It's getting harder for her to breathe and she can feel the panic spreading through her system. 

 

 

"Clarke, take a deep breath in." Lincoln says, softly. He places his pen down and presses his palm reassuringly against her back. Octavia has stopped working and is watching her friend. 

 

 

"You're okay, Clarke. You're safe." Octavia says, pushing her laptop aside and reaching out to grasp Clarke's hand. 

 

 

And Clarke knows this. She knows she is safe and with the five people she trusts the most in the world. Lincoln was with her during her first panic attack six months ago and helped ease her into breathing normally again, though it took him over twenty minutes. When she had her first attack in her and Octavia's room, Octavia didn't know what to do and had to call Bellamy, who rushed over immediately from the floor below theirs in their dorms. He had spoken to her quietly and calmly and through her tears, Clarke had admitted that she had been feeling anxious and upset the entire week for no reason. Raven had taken her to see the GP the next day, holding her hand through the entire thing. Miller is in almost all of her classes and has learned all the tells of her symptoms leading up to a breakdown. 

 

 

Clarke is able to breathe again in the matter of a minute and swipes at her eyes to rid the stray tears. 

 

 

"I'll be back in a few." She says, clearing her throat quietly. Octavia and Lincoln nod and she attempts to smile at them before swinging her legs across the bench and standing up. She notices that Miller and Bellamy have their eyes on her and Raven is looking thoughtfully at Bellamy and she flashes them a weak smile before heading towards the empty bleachers by the silent soccer field. 

 

 

She drops onto the bench on the last row and leans her head against the back wall and closes her eyes. Only a few seconds later, she feels someone sitting beside her. She knows it's him. It's always him.

 

 

"I wasn't always a cold-hearted bitch." She says before opening her eyes and turning to him. He was looking at her before she was looking at him and she finds herself struck, as she is every time, by the intensity of his gaze. She looks away and down at her fidgeting fingers. 

 

 

"I used to be different." She says. "Before- everything." She knows that he knows what she means. Before Finn cheated on her, before she was attacked, before Wells was killed, before her family broke apart, before her dad died, before- everything. "I used to believe the best in people. Always. I would give those who hurt me the benefit of the doubt. Even Finn, you know? Even when I found out, I spent hours thinking up reasons for why he did it. I tried to justify it by looking at it from his point of view, as stupid as that sounds."

 

 

"Finn was wrong, there's no other way to look at it." Bellamy interjects and she looks up to see his jaw clenched. 

 

 

"I know that." Clarke nods. "When Raven realised I was doing it- trying to justify him and beating _myself_ up over it, she told me he doesn't deserve that. That he hurt both of us and the only person to be blamed is him. And for the first time- I stopped making excuses for the person who hurt me. I gave up trying to see the best in him and chose instead to _believe_ that I had been wronged and I let myself just _be_ angry _._ And it felt good. I know that sounds crazy-"

 

 

"It really doesn't." Bellamy shakes his head. "I know how addictive anger can be. When mom died and left me to take care of Octavia- anger was all I let myself feel. It drove me to keep going. Sound familiar?"

 

 

"Yes." Clarke nods. "It drove me forward. The more angry I was at the people who hurt me, the easier it was for me to feel like I was worth something. And after what Finn did, feeling worthy became so important. He broke me down to nothing and I needed to recover from that and this was the easiest way. So I slowly began getting more defensive and less understanding. I began blaming those who hurt me for what I'm struggling with now and it felt good. I made excuses and tried to justify people hurting me for the past eighteen years of my life and in the process, I lost sight of myself. I tried to see the best in the people who were destroying me. Once I stopped, I stopped altogether. If even the slightest form of offence comes around, my defence mechanisms swing into action and I turn to anger and defensiveness so that I don't get myself hurt. I- I don't know how to be good anymore and maybe, I've come to accept that." She shrugs a shoulder and looks away. 

 

 

He's silent for a few seconds before turning towards her. "Clarke." She takes a deep breath and then turns to meet his gaze. "If you had gone through all that you went through and came out the same person, then I'd have to believe something was very wrong. I know you think that you're all darkness and no light but-" He releases a small, disbelieving laugh and looks away from her for a moment. "Clarke, you're incandescent." Clarke's breath gets caught in her throat and she stares at him as he struggles to find his next words. He finally looks back at her. "I wish you could see yourself the way that all of us see you. You think you don't know how to be good anymore but I have never met anybody who tries as hard as you do to make others feel loved and cared for. You have gone through so much in the past six months but fuck, Clarke, you keep fighting."

 

 

"Sometimes I want to give up." She interjects in a soft voice because he's speaking as if she's so much more than she actually is and _she can't be_ and she needs to remind him of that.

 

 

"I know." Bellamy nods and they're both thinking of the same night where she called him sobbing because _she didn't want to die, she just wanted the pain to stop._

 

 

"But you don't." He continues. "You know what Octavia told me the day before her birthday last week?" She shakes her head. "We went to visit mom's grave and she looked at me and told me that she had expected to be dead by the end of first year." Tears rise to Clarke's eyes. "She said that when we came to Ark and started our lives here, started university here, she didn't expect to make it more than a year. She said that she wouldn't have without you. That when everyone else turned their backs on her because of where she was from and the things she had done, you chose her and didn't give up on her. And Raven? The way she looks at you, Clarke, as if you are the sole reason the world goes round."

 

 

Clarke scoffs. "She's the one who's saved my life."

 

 

"And you saved hers. The night after you got attacked, she broke down in front of O and me and said that if anything had happened to you, she wouldn't make it another day. That she could stand to lose anybody, just not you. She said that when she hurt her spine and hip, _you_ were the reason she kept going. _That's_ what you do, Clarke. That's who you _are._ None of us would be the same people we are today if it weren't for you. You think you're such a cold-hearted bitch that you can't see what we see."

 

 

"I believe the worst in everyone." Clarke attempts weakly, biting her lower lip to prevent it from trembling.  _Including myself._

 

 

"Do you believe the worst in _us_?" Clarke shakes her head. "Then that isn't true. And fuck, Clarke, who the hell is perfect? No, you don't see the best in people anymore and maybe you get defensive as hell now days but you're working on it. You're trying to be different for the better. You're allowed to be a work in progress. God knows that we all are. I've been a work in progress since before mom died and I _still_ am. And that's _okay_. You're allowed to not be perfect. You're allowed to feel broken but be a good person at the same time _._ "

 

 

"What if I'm _just_ broken?" Clarke whispers, looking away as the tears fall.

 

 

"I don't believe that." He says firmly. He reaches out and takes her hand and she looks up at him. "You're more than you give yourself credit for, okay? I don't know what I did right to have you in my life but fuck, am I glad I do." He smiles at her softly and she wipes her eyes with the back of her free hand and smiles back at him.

 

 

"I don't know what I'd do without you, Bell." 

 

 

"You never have to find out." He pulls her into his side and wraps an arm around her shoulders. And when he presses a kiss into her hair, she allows herself to feel a little less broken and a little more whole. She also allows the very familiar feeling of something she has begun to associate with everything-Bellamy to surge through her system. 

 

 

**Hope.**

 

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
